22 Hilarious Nurse Jokes
There’s an old saying that goes like this: The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off-duty.
When your spirits need a lift and your shift just started, these nurse jokes are just what the doctor ordered to tickle your funny bone and make you laugh until the excess strain on your diaphragm — okay, you get it. You’re a nurse, and you’ve got things to do.
First, Your Vitals
What’s it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?
A midwife crisis.
What do transplant nurses hate?
Why did the nurse insist on using a rectal thermometer to take her patients' temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?
She won't stop needling people.
What’s the difference between Mother Teresa and a nurse?
Mother Teresa only had to serve one God.
Why did the nurse bring red magic markers into work?
She wanted to be ready in case she had to draw blood.
Nurses Call The Shots
A man walks into a clinic. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks.
"You're not eating properly," replies the nurse.
A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital, so she stops him and asks what's wrong. "I'm due to have an operation," he says, "but I just overheard the nurse going on and on: 'It's a very simple operation! Don't worry! I'm sure everything will be all right.'"
"Oh, that's okay," the nurse chuckled. "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
The anxious guy replies, "She was talking to the doctor!"
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse, and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large, polished-stone jewelry.
“I am Gina the Great,” the lady announced. “I am so pleased with the way you've taken care of my beloved aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit, and bottles of champagne, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” Gina the Great asked.
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
At his checkup, the nursed asked the patient, “Is there anything specific you’d like to discuss with the doctor today?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote — and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?”
“I was a nurse in an inner-city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor, suffering city children.”
“Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people and tribes with a hand of healing and the message of God’s love.”
“How touching,” said St. Peter. “You, too, may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?”
After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.”
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days.”
A man comes into the clinic complaining about gas. "I've had problems with silent gas emissions all week," he explains to the nurse. "At home, at work, and even at church, it's silent emission after silent emission. As a matter of fact, I've already had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"
"Well," the nurse replies, "the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. The woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After the nurse made her comfortable, she was met by four of the woman’s friends in the hallway. The one wearing glasses asked, “How is she?”
The nurse replied, “Oh, she’s quite dopey.”
“We know that," said the woman with the glasses, "but how is she health-wise?”’
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again. “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, the young nurse overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown and closely inspects the area in question. Then she happily reports back to the patient. “There’s nothing wrong with them, sir!”
The patient pulls off his oxygen mask. "Wonderful," he says. Then he asks his question once more, slower and more clearly this time: "But are my test results back?"
A man is recovering from minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. “How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I’m okay,” he says, “but I didn’t like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery.”
“What did he say?” the nurse asks.
A distraught senior citizen dialed her doctor’s office with a question for the nurse. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication I was prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” said the nurse.
There was a moment of silence before the woman replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked ‘No Refills.’"
On a busy med-surg floor, the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious, and I fear he won't be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.” The doctor then began listing orders:
“You must give an injection in a different location every 20 minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills on the hour, every hour, exactly, followed by one pill every 15 minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than 10 ounces of water every 25 minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for 15 minutes, then place it in ice for 10 minutes, and repeat this process for the rest of the day. Provide range of motion every 30 minutes. He requires a back rub and a foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every 90 minutes. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every 20 minutes.
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered," the doctor continued, "or his injury won't heal properly, and he won't be able to play golf well again.”
The nurse nodded. She left the doctor and entered the patient’s room where she was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. "What did he say?" the patient asked.
"He said you'll live,” the nurse replied. Then, quickly reviewing the orders, she added, “But you'll have to learn a new sport.”
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just have a nursing student do it.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.
How many psych nurses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.